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| i've been so privileged. i have great family & friends, who love and support me through all tribulations. i live in a nice community, go to a good school, and have a roof over my head, with room to spare. i have my own room. my own computer, my own tv, my own car, and so much more that other people can't even afford. and on top of all of that, i'm healthy. but this privileged life, and realizing that a lot my family and close friends live this priledged life too, has led me to sometimes forget that bad things happen. this past year i've been through a lot, realizing "forever" doesn't always mean forever, that death is inevitable, and that it really is survival of the fittest. on tuesday, earlier this week, we had an orchestra concert. normal as always; the only thing i thought would be different was that, this was the last halloween concert i'd ever be in. the last time i'm going to dress up in a silly costume on stage and play my music. that was it... that's all i thought would be different, but it wasn't. i got to school in my 80's aerobics costume and met up with my friends we took pictures on my camera but my battery ran out, so we took picture with my friend's camera instead. we were called back into the room to start rehearsing and i put my camera in my bag and got my instrument out. we later got on stage after the other orchestras and played. we took pictures after the concert and i said my goodbyes and went home. when i got home i realized my phone was gone, i called atleast 30 times checking in my car and around the house. i asked myself "did i even bring it to school?" and i was almost certain i did, then i realized where was my camera?. i drove back to school hoping my teacher was still there, and i knew by then it was stolen. i told my teacher but all he could do was send out an e-mail asked others if they've seen it or if they had it to just return it with no consequences. within 5 minutes of him sending out that e-mail he got a reply, another girl had found her phone missing, and another her camera gone. even though it wasn't my fault my things, or other people's things were gone, i still felt so disheartened. after all of this happened i realized i am so lucky to have all the things that i have and to be safe, like i've always been. of course i didn't think stealing never occured, but i didn't really think it would happen to me, much less at an orchestra concert where our belongings have always been fine. i couldnt believe that it happened and i came home crying. i still don't really know what to say, people always say "i'm sorry" but what can you say back? it's not like it was their fault, they shouldn't be apologizing in the first place. but i guess that's how people deal with things, humans sympathize with others... so what about the person that took my, and other peoples, stuff, are they not human? i really don't know what to think, but i've realized that not everyones life is like mine, not everyone is as privleged as i am, and not everyone thinks the way i do. i can't expect everyone to be as honest as i'd like. when i told my parents what happened they just said that it was just "stuff" and that it was okay, that it only mattered that i was alright, losing things doesn't matter. i told my brother and he said that in some way too, that it could've happened to anybody, and i was just one of the unlucky victims. my brother also asked me if my parents were going to get me another iphone, i said i didnt know.. i didn't even think about that until he brought it up, but i felt like i didn't. even though it wasn't my fault that my phone and camera were gone, like as if i misplaced them or left them out for someone to take, i still felt irresponsible. i felt like i didnt deserve to have soemthing so nice anymore, but my parents did get me a new iphone, i felt guilty, but they said it was an "early birthday gift", with my birthday being a half-a-month away. even my brother offered to buy me a new camera for my birthday and when i said it was alright he said i deserved it for my SAT scores, haha. even when i feel like a messup my family still tries to provide me with more and give me all these great things i dont know if i deserve. i don't know if there's a message in this whole post or not, but i just needed to write it somewhere. i guess these are my closing thoughts: i am truley blessed and lucky for everything that i have and i will try to never take them for granted again. i love my family. happy halloween and be safe! | | |
| my dad walked into my room this morning bright and early at 8 am, a time i haven't been awake at since school ended. he told me the news i never ever wanted to hear, he told me my grandma passed away earlier in the morning. at first i didn't know what to say, how to react, i was so shocked. my grandma has had so many problems over these past years, but shes always been there, although she was confined to her bed and was never really awake when i visited her. whenever i visited her it was a bunch of mixed feelings, i always wanted to cry watching her just lay in her bed, unable to do much at all, but grateful that she's still with us. i knew that one day this day would come, but everything was fine for so long that when this day actually came, it was so surreal. my dad left and said to call him when i was ready and we can go see her. i layed in bed and i cried, i cried so much. i couldn't believe what was happening, and that she was just gone. it's been so long since i've lost a family member and i was still so young when those happened, this was the first time i really really understood what was happening. this was the woman who cared for me when i was younger and babysat me afterschool. she was the one that fed me macaroni and cheese everytime i asked for it, taught me math when i was just a 5 year old, attended every birthday, and so much more. after i realized it all i cried myself back to sleep. i had a dream that i had the news broken to me again and i got so angry. i woke up again and for a slip second i thought it was just a terrible dream and none of it was true, but then i realized it was. it's going to be hard, but i'll eventually be better because i know now that she's in a better place now.
There You'll Be - Faith HillWhen I think back
On these times
And the dreams
We left behind
I'll be glad 'cause
I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back
On these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
'Cause I always saw in you
My light, my strength
And I want to thank you
Now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
For always
In my dreams
I'll always see you soar
Above the sky
In my heart
There will always be a place
For you for all my life
I'll keep a part
Of you with me
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
And everywhere I am
There you'll be
There you'll be
R.I.P. Ba Ngoai
i love you & you'll be missed
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| love looks so easy in the movies, always getting that happy ending, but in my past experiences nothing ever turns out right, and of course that's what happens in these "silly highschool crushes". well even if they're silly and not serious, you still learn a lot. you learn how you should and shouldn't treat someone and how you should be treated and not settle for anything less. you learn that comprimise is sooo important and that getting mad at everything isn't the right way. you learn (or in some cases have to learn repeatedly) that if you're not getting the same out of what you put in, it's not worth it. but what you should learn foremost is how to trust. honesty is always good, but trust is what keeps a relationship together, because sometimes the truth is hard to handle, but if you have trust it's easier to cope with.
in my past relationships i've realized a lot of things, but those thing's have also changed me. because of one person i noticed i became more pessimistic, i trained myself to have low expectations because i liked him so much, but i never got anything back. and after it was done with i felt so exposed. i felt like everything i did was wrong and nothing was turning out right. and when i finally found someone i really fell for i couldn't help but feel insecure. when i realized i realy love him i was so scared that everything that happened before would happen again and that my heart would break even more. my insecurity brought trust issues, afraid of if i'll get the same treatment as before or if he'll like someone more than me when he'd flirt with other girls, if it even happened. my insecurities brought up questions of whether i was even good enough for him. i was terribly afraid of everything, not even sure if he even liked me as much as i liked him. he realized it though, he knew i was insecure and every moment i made it apparent to him he'd ask me why i'm like this. i told him i didn't know, i really didn't until i thought of it now, but just the thought of him realizing my insecurities made me even more insecure of our relationship. it was a vicious cycle that i couldn't stop! but this past week i've realized that i can't be insecure anymore, it's making me dislike myself more than it makes him dislike me. and i've realized that i shouldn't be afraid of him not liking me, or him liking someone else more than me because he put up with all my insecurities and my nagging about him with other girls, and he's been supportive and stopped everything that would give me a reason to nag him. he does everything for me, and i am so lucky. but if this doesn't work out, i know that i've learned one more thing to carry on to the next chapter of my love life and hopefully one day i'll get my happy ending. | | |
| this part really isn't all that important, but read if you want. - almost about one year ago i had my first ever allergic reaction. i never really found out what it was to. i went to burke lake with a couple of friends to hang out and have a barbecue. i came home and thought i had a couple of bug bites even though i had put on a bunch of bug spray earlier. i took a shower and got ready for bed, i was sort of itchy from all the "bug bites" but after a battle with the itchiness i fell asleep. i woke up at 3 am to the scratching of my wrist, i turned on the light next to my night stand and my heart pounded. never in my life had i seen hives on my own skin. i got up and ran to my parents room, unsure of what had even happened i hastily asked what was wrong. they told me i had an allergic reaction, we spent the next 30 minutes going over what i ate that day, nothing of which was new. i then recalled my abundant use of bug spray, then found the hives appearing on my legs and growing all over. my allergic reaction lasted three days, it even got to the point where it spread to all of my legs and arms and i couldn't even look at my skin without cringing anymore. i even went to the doctors, but they took it very lightly since it was the third day and my hives were finally going away. i never had an allergic reaction before that incident, and for it to be so extreme i was so scared. the night it covered my whole body i cried, wondering when or if it would go away. and now that i'm heading back to that lake tomorrow and i don't know what to do, should i try putting the bug spray on again, i was never confirmed that the bug spray was actually what caused my allergic reaction. the funny thing is that a week or two before that incident i used bug wipes but i was fine. i don't really know what to think i'm allergic to anymore. - end of background info, if that's what you want to call it
i used to think that when people didn't want to do something they had a bad experience with, that was caused by something uncontrollable, were being unreasonable. i thought that they should always give something another chance... but now i realize what they really went through. sure not through the same exact situation, but the mentality of it all. i wanted to figure out what exactly made my allergic reaction take place, so i decided to use those wipes again, just to see if i got a reaction since i don't remember getting one before. but i was so scared, even though the time before i used them nothing happened, but because something did with the other kind... or i think it did. it left a scar my mind and i was so afraid, even though my curiosity drove me. eventually i did try it, and i'm glad that did just to have the willpower to conquer a fear, how little it may be i feel accomplished, daring maybe haha and i'm glad to say that at this point i'm itch free... at least i think, which brings me to my next point....
you know how every medicinal test has to use a placebo? so that the people that get side effects to sugar pill aren't put into the research collected, since they only get side effects because they think their taking the actual medicine? well that's something else i thought about. sometimes i itch the spot i put the wipes on, but is it because i'm itchy or because i know where i applied it? i think life is like that... there are some people who act the way they are made to act, just purely themselves, but then there are the people that act the way everyone else acts just because they are aware they are different. society is the sugar pill and acting in conformity is the side effect and the people that fall for the placebo are the people the never really live to their fullest, and will never be really truly happy....you've just taken a dose of society, now what will your results be?
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| i guess i'm actually gonna start trying to write a bit more in here, about my life, daily wonderings. whatever.
throughout this whole day i've been thinking about dreams, in reality and sleep. this past sunday i started SAT prep and our essay asked if it was imperitive to have dreams to have a happy life. i wrote my essay on all sorts of crap, but my answer was "yes". but now that i think about it... do i, myself, have any dreams? i wrote that dreams drive someone to strive for more and do their best, but i can't figure it out.. what is MY dream? i don't know where i want to go in the future, i just want to be sucessful, but is that too vauge? what do you do to become sucessful? i don't think anyone knows the concrete answer to that. then it makes me think, am I doing enough to achieve my dream, am i even on the right path? should i find a more composite dream to follow? like do this and do that, is "being sucessful" too abstract of a goal? i don't really know where i'm even going or what i'm trying to say anymore, but i guess what i kind of want to point at is that i have no idea where i want to go or do in my life, i just want that ending phrase to say that i was sucessful... but no one can just read the begining of a story and the end and fully understand the whole book. so what is it that i should do to complete my journey from A to B?
another thing about dreams... what do our dreams try to tell us? do they try to tell us anything? or are they just random? how come sometimes my dreams are farfetched and sometimes my dreams are about something that happens the next day? i don't get it. of course there are tons of websites that can tell you the "meaning" of things in your dreams, but is that stuff true, or is it a bunch of bull? how do we even have them and why?... i really don't know, and i'm sure if someone could tell me how or why we have dreams i probably wouldn't listen. so just leave me to my curiosity haha. | | |
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